I remember when Liam was born I kept saying over and over, "Nobody told me it would be like this!" At that time, those first weeks with a newborn, I was so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is putting it lightly...my ass was in shock! I honestly don't easily remember much of Liam's first two months of life; the beginning was really a blur for me. Ask anybody, my sleep is very precious to me and you don't mess with it. All of a sudden I was thrown into sleep deprived hell and was up every 2 hours nursing Liam on nipples that hurt like a mother. Then that hemorrhoid I got pushing him out. WOW. JUST WOW. That crap hurt more than my episiotomy. And your first poop after giving birth is like labor all over again..THROUGH YOUR BUTT. But above all the physical things, it was the emotional side that was harder to overcome. For starters, I had the baby blues. I won't call it post partum depression because that seems so much severe than what I had. Liam's birth brought back so many memories of Jonah and I felt like I reverted back to when we lost him. The overwhelming sadness and loss made me cry constantly. Seeing Liam made me wonder what Jonah would have looked like if he was full term. The thoughts of Jonah's loss of life.. what he could have been, his loss potential...all those things made me mourn him again. But what I remember the most was the fear I had inside me. Fear and anxiety to be more precise. I was fearful the most of one thing. SIDS. Part of be kinda believed that Liam would die from SIDS. I lost one baby before so I probably was going to lose this one too. Isn't that terrible? But SIDS really scared the crap outa me.
I was also afraid of Liam. I didn't know what to do with him and I hated when he cried. I hated when Lee had to take a shower and I had to hold him alone. Or when my mother left the house and it was just me and this baby. I honestly use to be afraid for him to wake up cause I had no clue what I would do with him until he slept again. I would be afraid to bathe him and didn't even want to try... I just let my mother do it. And the thought of leaving the house with Liam was an idea beyond my comprehension. The driveway was as far as he would go end of story. One time I called Lee in a panic telling him to come home NOW because Liam was crying and I couldn't get him to stop! I laugh now but back then I really thought I broke him.
Slowly but surely time passed and my confidence grew. He started to sleep for 4 hours, then 6 hours and the sun began to shine again. It was also through the help of other moms that I made it. Texting my cousin, my friends, Lee...just those avenues of support really help the fog lift faster. I cried less and started to enjoy him more and more everyday. I really did not expect it to be like that at first. I actually didn't know what I expected but it sure wasn't that! I'm looking forward to our second child, YES LEE WE ARE HAVING A SECOND CHILD, just to prove to myself that I could do it better the next time around. I love seeing pregnant, naïve women who are about to have their first baby. I wonder if they would be like me or be on their a-game from the get-go but my only advice to them would be to SLEEP. SLEEP NOW!
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