He Would Have Been Two

Liam is my second born son. He has an older brother who was born sleeping and is turning 2 this coming Saturday. A birthday is an occasion you spend celebrating the day you were born but on Jonah's birthday we celebrate his life and mourn his death all at once. It's been 2 years. I can't even begin to tell you how mind blowing it is because on one hand it feels likes 2 minutes ago and on the other it feels like 200 years since that day. Everything has been double sided like that since then. I don't have one emotion without having a backhanded one also. For example, Liam brings me unparalleled joy, joy indescribable but at the same time it makes me sad because now I wonder what Jonah would have been like. Would he have looked like him? Had the same personality? I would never know. All I have are the memories of a life I carried but was too precious for this earth. The days and nights are getting harder leading up to his birthday but the tears renew me, remind me, and redeem me. When I count my blessings, Jonah's life is in the top 5 because his life blessed mine and I believe that was God's plan all along. Happy birthday to you my sweet son. Even though we're wiping tears down here I know you're blowing out candles up there.